My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
