you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
