this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
