Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
