Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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