Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
