Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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