not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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