i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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