she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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