I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
