Whats the glycemic index on semen?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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