it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You made out with two different species that night
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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