is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
