I am in a vortex of obligation.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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