He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
