the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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