i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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