i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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