In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
how drunk are you?
Several
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
