Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
