How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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