I'm really into asian looking animals
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
