thus making me awesome and them whores
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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