I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
