So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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