btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
