She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
