You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
