i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
