Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
