I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
