i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
