mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize