I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
worst night to have a conscience
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
