Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
