Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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