Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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