We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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