Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
