I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
