Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
