I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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