I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
