are you so shy because you have an std?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
