Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
