Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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