He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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