When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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