Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Bring me that man meat
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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