it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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