I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Randomize
