I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
