I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
