The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
