your parents love me but you hate me
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
