Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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