I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
