I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
