you guys were way drunker than both of me
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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