evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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