my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
