She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the day after is always just damage control
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
