highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
