About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm too high and old for this...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
