May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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