I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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