got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
