Barsexuality is the new black.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
