my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize