the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Woke up backwards on a recliner
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
