just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize