party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
